Human Being is not an Island

It is a simple statement but that is what has been bothering me these days, this is now the question I am bothered with after the purpose question.  

The question is our whole existence is circling around only one aspect - how I fit in the eyes of others, these others I choose, I make my tribe of friends, family and I extend this in my mind each day. We are not an island and others define us. 

I am drawn to the same point as expressed in the last few blogs - life gets meaning through how I am able to get acceptance and love from others. One is an indirect source where I live some ideas, lifestyle, values, etc. which I believe will get me that acceptance, even if that does not come I do believe that it is there as these are the ideals, values, lifestyles are the exalted ones in the eyes of others. The other is a direct source where you have a circle of family, friends who accept and love you for what you are- the ideas, lifestyle, values etc.  

Life revolves around getting this love directly through a circle of friends and family or indirectly through self patting based on actions which you believe your tribe will admire and love you for. The tribe could be invisible but you feel proud, you pat yourself albeit it is a mental process and not a real one. That is the job of mind, if this messes up you end up in a mental asylum or get depressed.  

Life Can be defined as below:

• What I think of myself in the context of OTHERS and 

• What OTHERS think of me or

Or

• How I love myself for values which I think OTHERS admire or makes me a good man and 

• The OTHERS who love me 

Life simplified

I had this thought while meditating, life is about self and others who have life... These are the only 2 dimensions we are dealing with but how complicated we have made the dealings with life.

Life about self  - It is about how you run yourself as a unit, how you become stronger and better. How you grow, how you seek happiness

Others who have life - These are the other living beings which give meaning to our existence, if I was the sole person living on the planet, imagine how life would have been. Today a lot of life about self is dependent on how I am interacting with others, how I am able to get support of others, I support them to get their support, it is a symbiotic relationship. 

Every aspect of our day to day action is directed towards either taking care of self or how it helps us connect with others who are living. Does anything else matter? The material wealth we generate, the knowledge, the wisdom, the gadgets we acquire all are directed towards self caring or what is valued by others. These are tools to achieve the end... 

What it meant to me was that life can be optimized directly through a direct relationship with others and self without having the convoluted tools. It is about spending time with self for growth and time with others. Time with others has to be non judgemental, full of love, friendship. 

I think social structures, festivals, marriage all are created to make this end easier. Marriage, Social structure is created for getting others into your life - others where there is non judgemental, loving and friendly time...Clever were architects who created these institutions.. In current times however these institutions seem to be dissolving and is that the reason for  increased psychological negativities?

Why do we build so many walls and complication, why all other circuitous ways? Is it fear in general, fear of failure, rejection?

What kind of people are we breeding?

What kind of people we seem to be growing?  The recent gun shoot @ Connecticut make me wonder. Some believe it can all be curbed by a stricter control on guns, by passing a law, I wish it was so simple a law making it all set right. 

It will have some positive impact but the malady which seems to affect our society is much deeper. All the gun law will do is an Adam Lanza (the shooter) will have to use knife instead of a gun, maybe the no of people killed will drop, but will it stop producing more Lanzas?

Some reports mention Adam Lanza's mother was a strict control freak, and that could have been one of the reasons besides the divorce which impacted Adam, I wonder if her Mother was to be assessed for being a good parent, do we have a good parenting law? I know it is funny, but I don't think there are any solution in controls we can put as laws, the real reason for what is happening around us is much deeper and complicated. 

And it is not about the Connecticut, it is also about the Jacintha who killed herself, what made her so weak to commit suicide, why could her close and dear ones not give her a patient ear and helped her in life much earlier to be stronger,  it is also about the radio jockey of Australia, what has made them to be so rude and insensitive that poor Jacintha was at the receiving end?  

We may lament about the developed world and their lack of religion or values but India is not behind, what bred the acid attackers of Sonali Mukherjee? or the Ponty Chadha shootout between brothers?

The other question the whole episode brings is how come this happens a lot in US, the best place for education, the most well read, scientist people making great strides reside there, the newest technologies are there for your help, the best government administrative set up, cutting research on psychology, happiness, most self help gurus, best selling wisdom authors. You name whatever the best of society is there, it has a big place in US. Then why does it keep happening there? 

The ways of today's life are they on false foundations? Or am I raising just a false alarm, after all genocide in yesteryears in the name of race or killings in the name of religion were equally big and evil.

assessing human behaviour

An important aspect in life to be successful be it work, relationships, is ability to assess people ... By assessment i mean understanding their nature/ abilities/ attitudes/ etc. Once you have assessed you make choices to work with such people for a more fulfilling life (work or personal)...

We are always making these assessments, you meet new people and you decide if he is your type or not and if you will like to meet the person again. Some people go by their logic and some others go by the feel/ instinct/ or vibes.. The vibes method may work well but it is not an easy one as the vibes can only let you know whether one is good natured or not but will not help one to predict the real person, that has to be a combination of 2... I am here to talk about the 2nd method which is through logic...

I have come to realize it is not an easy task... logic can only be applied to what one has been able to observe. so for this to work there are 2 aspects - one that you should be truly observing.. that is possible only if you are truly listening to the other person... no biases no judgements but just surrender to listen what the other person is saying... most of the time our mind just jumps to make judgements or is desparate to like or dislike based on what one likes or dislikes and hence clouding the listening capability

For example a person says i like spiritulaity.. lo and behold the mind says even i do, i am passionate about it... this guy has to be good. or he says he likes money... mind says he is pretty materialistic.. may not have integrity...  such biases and generalizations run all over the mind all the time... it is something i have experienced while observing my own mind.. each thought which takes birth is evaluated in this fashion immediately by another part of the mind... if its a good thought it creates desire for it or else some kind of hatred.... postive generalization to some negative generalizations.. and if it is a material or sensual thing it will create desire for it....

the first step therefore is to uncloud the mind, train it to not jump to such hasty conclusions, generalizations, likes or dislikes as each person has his her own reason to do what he/ she does.. there are many variables which wire the whole picture and one must be able to respect that..

Most of the people i know, the HR ones who interview all fall in liking or disliking a person based on what their likes or dislikes are... it is often unconscious... having said this.. this may also not be bad as your likes or dislikes do shape you and some aspects can predict a human behaviour...

But there is a further underlying aspect which we are able to establish can give us a good insight into another human being or even ourselves... the pattern of thought process... by pattern i mean that your mond follows a certain automatic response each time it is thrown to experience life... A meditative man will always mediatate on his/ her or experience.. thats the pattern... a materialistic woman will always look for how she could make most out of the experience in material terms... thats the pattern.... these are macro level patterns if i go deeper and micro.. there are emotional patterns when one is faced with faliure.. how one reacts is a pattern... some of us will have work harder, some will give up... some will get stressed and just freeze, some will get cynical.. etc etc... these are the patterns which make an individual.. micro is on the emotional plane and tells us how one deals with experiences and life.. if it is constructive or destructive...

the macro tells us with these constructive or destrutive deals what is one trying to build for oneself... wiser, richer, famous.. etc.. these are the bigger goals one wants to lead his life to...

these patterns are key to understand human behavior... the ability to see this can only be possible if he are able to listen.. once we are able to listen after removing all biases... one must look for both the macro and micro pattern... macro will let us know the value system or the larger goal of the person and the micro will let you know the path. emotional intelligence one has.. it is actually a very important aspect to know if he/ she will be successful in reaching or living the value system he has.

 

Of course some one will think why bother about the micro pattern... as long as macro is good the micro can be changed.. i used to believe that but now i know it cannot be changed easily especially for adults as once developed it becomes our crutch without which we cannot do anything.. difficult to give up or break.. even if it can be changed it can be by person own willingness.. he should be uncomfortable and should have a value system of personal growth.. growth in terms of wisdom and only then there is hope and no guarantees... Often one gorws comofortable in his her own pattern as you invest in wiring your brain, making social networks which nurture your patterns.. you grow comfortable and hence rarely can come out of it... what i mean imagine a person who has a pattern to bully, has fun by tormenting others... he has a frien circle which praise him for this, he reads books, interprets in manner which support his theory... he is convinced he has no reason to break such a pattern... breaking such  a pattern in adult life will mean that leaving all he has known, his friends admirers, his logics, theories.. and starting afrsh like a child alone... it is very difficult...

I no longer fool myself that i can change people, their pattern.. i choose people therefore who have a right pattern... but yes if someone is really willing and has the courage to drop incorrect patterns and learn... i will be more than willing to give support as much as possible....