The Standards of Self and Disappointments

Story #1 - I had to make a presentation to a group on a subject which is close to my heart. I have done it many times earlier and have done well. I did not therefore needed to prepare. On the fateful day we started on time I made the right starts with the practiced opening but in between I faltered, it did not go well. I was disappointed. The self was questioning self, labeling self - Was I arrogant? Should I have not prepared? How could I?

Story #2 - I value giving, fearlessness and pushing myself to do better. I have been practicing Buddhist meditation technique Vipassana for last several years. There came an opportunity to volunteer for Vipassana. With my values it was a no brainer that I need to jump in and do my bit, but in between came my own pleasurable and comforting weekend plan which I had been waiting for. There began a conflict of what i must do, till the time of deadline of volunteering I was in pain, after that disappointed by self. A feeling of letting down self, How could I?  I do think I do my bit on the values, but still the self was questioning self...

Failing to meet own standards of self happens often, there are many moments you live up to it, there are few you fail as well. But the failure sometimes grips the mind so much that it can go on beating you, making you feel sad. The emotion unfortunately has no reason and does not look at win ratios but goes on like a broken record on that one failure and the mind automatically accumulates all such transgressions, adds negative adjectives. Result - restlessness or anxiety or sadness. 

These are the times to take solace in self forgiveness, self compassion - get silent and tell yourself "I forgive myself for being unable to live upto my expectations. It is a journey and next time I will try to do better". This does not stop here it may be worthwhile also to examine the values if they are in conflict with what you really are and believe in and have the next step planned.

Water Water Everywhere but not a Drop to Drink

I have read, understood, made notes of all the wisdom in books but the same damn wisdom I am not able to live!

In one of the Vipassana lectures Goenka ji explains there are 3 types of wisdom and with varying impact on life. In order of hierarchy of impact these are:

1. Shrutpragya or Wisdom acquired through reading or listening wise thoughts 
2. Chintan-Pragya or Wisdom acquired through thinking and analyzing whatever was heard or read
3. Bhavanamayi Pragya or Wisdom acquired through experience

That's where the struggle is reading all the great thinkers in Twitter and using intellect to like a certain level of knowledge that is easy but to imbibe these in life, making this part of experience is what is a real struggle.

With all the knowledge dissemination through internet we have a generation of wisely informed people but with huge gap in practiced wisdom...

What we need to do is pick the thought which you relate to and exhibit courage to experience it, making it a part of life!

Damn the habits, fear & procrastination...

Wisdom Decoded

Wisdom of living is about achieving a balance, balance tailored to your own unique reality, reality rooted in the 4 dimensions of - emotional (includes relations), physical (including material), intellectual & spiritual. 

Why balance? There are always opposing forces of desire and what you are capable of. You may desire a mansion but you may not be capable of generating that much of capital, you err in balance and you end up moving into dark areas of making money through fraudulent means. This is intra dimension balance. There is another inter dimension where you need to get it right.. You want the mansion and you single mindedly focus on getting the required capital ignoring other dimensions  - emotional,  spiritual; you make a mess out of it and when you have the mansion you have a lot of fear and you are standing alone... 

These 4 dimensions make life, achieving a balance and moving ahead in each is all it requires.

Life's Biggest Questions

For now there have been only 2 - What's the purpose of life?  & How do I achieve Happiness?

There is 1 more about which I will talk later, I realize these are definitely bull shit questions !!!! Yes I have been giving it too much importance trying to solve, thought, written, read tomes on this and now I think these are no questions to solve.. stop looking for a purpose and you will be happy, purpose is sought for happiness and happiness is a trick you can play with your mind... so if you are happy why need a purpose?

Few mind tricks for happiness- Arrogance, delusions, contentment, denial, narcissism, detachment, acceptance, etc.. there are many choose the one suits you... 

Wisdom Tweet # 6 .. No Regrets

Few weeks back I read an article in times of India on the most common regrets people tend to have;  Yesterday I browsed an article on Internet on the top 10 regrets dying people have, it was collected through the  nurses...

These articles hint at what you must do so that you don't have to regret in life, it tries to give you a direction through generalizations of what people in general miss and therefore you should not. 

But I was wondering is regretting past serve any good? It makes you feel small, sad for missing out, robbing us of being happy in the present, happiness being the goal and it being the mental state of being, should we not just not regret and focus on the present and do what makes us happy...

Does regret do any good?

Wisdom Tweet # 5

The small talks are a process to buy membership, to begin the connection... it is the window shopping before real shopping... They could be unintelligent talks but required.. We  are slow to trust and ready to accept vulnerability or be vulnerable...

Life & Thoughts - 4

The life coaches teach:

I will conquer,

I will rise,

I will shine,

Say loud and forever.

World will conspire,

And it will be all yours.

Is it such a struggle?

Is it all about I?

Can we not do it together?

I will do my bit,

You do yours,

2 is better than 1,

more the merrier.

We just do what we can,

With honesty and integrity,

With care and bit of selflessness,

You and You all - 

Pull me when I fail,

Help me rise if I fall,

Give me the shine if I lose.

Is this not what society is about? 

No man or woman is an Island.

Making sense through observing life...

As I look into life of all around, I see a common thread - 

• Chasing pleasure
• Chasing people for recognition, love.

The root is, looking for happiness.... 

As I further probe, pleasure is more straight forward money helps you buy it, however you need some sense of security to spend it; we are anxious of future and want to avoid pain, this  is avoided through money so we like to accumulate. 

Chasing people is more complex and very illogical, after all it is a function of emotions - an ability to feel and making others feel about you, we are much guarded. Like we need a sense of security by keeping money for future, we seek sense of security through avoiding rejection, being mocked at, looking weak as if we need the others to give us recognition and love. We hence create defense mechanisms, do not express which we feel as we may be seen as weak, dependent, needed. We live a life in second thoughts, controlled impulses, controlled feelings, trying to please, trying to avoid intimacy.  This very act of breaking free can help us get what we want, without money by sheer act of allowing us to flow... Web of emotions caught up with inter linkages  limit us to break free.  There is a caveat though you cant get till you give, complex is therefore I call it. 

Who is superior?

A conversation with a friend and he mentioned about 3 corporate ways after MBA, the question is which is right? Each believes his or her is the most superior

• Case 1: Slogs 18 hours draws INR 20 million salary, lifestyle affordability is great... making more than he/ she is capable of, ahead of the pack. 
• Case 2: Independent entrepreneur, live by own rules.. business not successful yet, opportunity cost is high but there is some purpose
• Case 3: Taken work a notch lower than the actual capability, works 8 hours, plays rest of the time. moderate lifestyle. Not living to full capability though.

Who is superior?

to be continued....

Life simplified

I had this thought while meditating, life is about self and others who have life... These are the only 2 dimensions we are dealing with but how complicated we have made the dealings with life.

Life about self  - It is about how you run yourself as a unit, how you become stronger and better. How you grow, how you seek happiness

Others who have life - These are the other living beings which give meaning to our existence, if I was the sole person living on the planet, imagine how life would have been. Today a lot of life about self is dependent on how I am interacting with others, how I am able to get support of others, I support them to get their support, it is a symbiotic relationship. 

Every aspect of our day to day action is directed towards either taking care of self or how it helps us connect with others who are living. Does anything else matter? The material wealth we generate, the knowledge, the wisdom, the gadgets we acquire all are directed towards self caring or what is valued by others. These are tools to achieve the end... 

What it meant to me was that life can be optimized directly through a direct relationship with others and self without having the convoluted tools. It is about spending time with self for growth and time with others. Time with others has to be non judgemental, full of love, friendship. 

I think social structures, festivals, marriage all are created to make this end easier. Marriage, Social structure is created for getting others into your life - others where there is non judgemental, loving and friendly time...Clever were architects who created these institutions.. In current times however these institutions seem to be dissolving and is that the reason for  increased psychological negativities?

Why do we build so many walls and complication, why all other circuitous ways? Is it fear in general, fear of failure, rejection?

Brene Brown: How Vulnerability Holds the Key to Emotional Intimacy

A very interesting piece and some thought provoking statements, watch the TED Talk as well… what got me is the answer to the opening question- fear of being ordinary.. very true as in the last few weeks I have been trying to get active on social network sites and she hit me with her remark… do read if you can.. bringing up few insights which I found very thought provoking… though I am debating it J.

In your new book Daring Greatly, you introduce the idea of a shame-based emotion that seems unique to our contemporary society. One aspect you name is the “fear of being ordinary.”

Brené Brown: The overwhelming message in our culture today is that an ordinary life is a meaningless life unless you are grabbing a lot of attention and you have lots of Twitter followers and Facebook fans who know everything you know. I use the shame-based fear of being ordinary as my definition for narcissism. I definitely see it in younger generations, where people fear they are not big enough. No matter how happy and fulfilling their small, quiet life is, they feel it must not mean very much, because it’s not the way people are measuring success. Which is just terrifying. 

How does vulnerability relate to our capacity for joy?

As someone who spent more than a decade studying fear, vulnerability, and shame, I never thought in a million years that I would say that joy is probably the most difficult emotion to feel. It’s hard to feel joy because we are so keenly aware that it’s fleeting. When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, we lose the courage to be joyful. Joy is a daring emotion! We are going to let ourselves stop in a moment that won’t last forever, that can be taken away. We feel almost that “you are a schmuck if you let yourself feel too deeply because the bad stuff is going to happen.” 

A lot of your work examines how humans experience the emotion of shame. Can you explain how shame relates to vulnerability?

If vulnerability is the willingness to show up and let ourselves be seen, shame gets in the way. How can we be authentically known when we are paralyzed with fear about what people might see? Setting boundaries is a great example; it’s something that people don’t think about as vulnerability, but saying “no” and protecting our time—whether it’s family time, our creative time, whatever our self-care time is—that’s a huge act of vulnerability in a culture where productivity is so highly valued. 

Watch the full interview at following link: Original Story, Dec 20, 2012

She may not be a household name just yet, but when you refer to “the woman who talks about vulnerability,” the seven million viewers of her TEDTalks videos (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=X4Qm9cGRub0)know you mean Brené Brown. A research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, Brown has been studying shame, fear, and vulnerability for 12 years.

Yet again on Purpose....2

Purpose is Happiness
Happiness is Within,
Within is a journey.

A journey of endless miles,
A journey of multiple goals.

Action is the measure,
Growth is the measure,
Happiness is the measure,
Journey is the Purpose.
-------------------------------------------
This has become my favourite topic, I am obsessed with this question, partly as I cannot handle unsolvable riddles, and this riddle which I have been grappling me has reached a point that I need to have a clear point of view if not a solution.. :)

Here I go once again, my last blog brooded on - if there is any purpose per se? I was saying no there is none, and largely I tend to agree with that thought process and this is in continuation of the same thought process. Mostly we confuse good deeds as purpose, it is good for humankind and a worthy effort, it is to be appreciated but is that the purpose? My answer is no. 

The confusion which purpose as a word has created is largely due to surplus wealth, comfort and free time. People in earlier ages were busy in meeting ends and this was never a question. 

If you look at developed nations, the dominant thought on purpose, as their self help books and the numerous inspirational books define is - finding your passion, honing it and living it. The life as they see it is about fulfilling self, the premise is based on the fact that we are to serve ourselves first, each is responsible for self. In a way if we think deeply into this theory, it is about reaching your best possible potential, through developing a deep rooted attachment to an activity and spending hours of practice to become an expert. Spending hours can only happen as an outcome of deep rooted attachment. Further this philosophy assumes by doing this one will be a top ranked in the field, this is the main reason why the majority does not benefit from it. The assumption is deep rooted attachment will lead to expertise and you will be at the top, but unfortunately top place is only for 1 or few and we are billions and billions of souls residing on this planet. 

If you look at eastern philosophical constructs, the purpose has to have a higher purpose which would end in knowing the god, reaching perfection what mankind is capable of, not in material world but in the world of spirits or heaven or how god is defined. So the life purpose is about discovering the ultimate truth. This is a difficult ask as it involves giving up a lot of comfort and attachments, this is the reason a majority of us find it difficult to walk this path. 

The above 2 theories are on the extreme end, there are numerous theories which are in between the 2 extremes. Whatever said and done the above 2 extremes have one end in common - happiness of self, maximizing happiness and ending the suffering the difference is one is based on life ends here and hence maximising through your strengths and the other is based on life is beyond here and hence working for happiness beyond this life. 

If you closely examine further each has a worthy goal which keeps us occupied, fills our free time and gives us a purpose, of moving ahead to achieve and gives us the happiness we are looking for

To simplify this  - There is no elevated purpose, the purpose qualifies to  be purpose if it leads to an outcome of happiness. Happiness is the end of any purpose you choose.  

It can begin by having a goal, big or small. The journey to achieve it can itself be fulfilling if we do not get obsessed by the end but the continuous improvements you bring about from where you are, these improvements may not come instantly and may require days, sometime ages but the journey and effort is what it counts. 

The next question is what is the goal one can aspire for? We have multiple needs and the goals you set have to fulfil those needs, it begins with knowing yourself and knowing your real needs, this is an iterative process and hence goals will keep moving. 

The needs can limit to yourself or can be beyond you, can change for you from time to time. If you are single, it is more about personal needs, when married with kids it is beyond you, if you have dependent parents, the circle beyond extends more, and if you are really strong, prosperous, gifted the circle can grow further for community, nation, world. 

It is about the goals which grow you, make stronger, help conquer negativity, fear and infuse positivity, happiness, courage and in effect help fulfil your needs which will make you happier. 

Yet again on Purpose...

This seems to be my favourite topic.. comes from a deep desire to do more out of life, and perhaps also has to do with the way my life is going on currently.. at work front I have accomplished quite a bit but my heart keeps telling me life is much beyond it.. And because I am working hard I am unable to get time to give time to other activities which I think could help me extract more from life. ..I want more and hence it bothers me -  what can I do more to have even more out of life... It also has to do with the fact that I have no other distraction in life it is either work or me.. there are no addictions, kids, partners who fill up the time and leave no room for such questions.. I am back yet again on what more? What more, the question makes me feel greedy, however I am not perturbed.. I am greedy for life, happiness, fulfilment. 

Though I have tried to answer this question couple of  times earlier, those attempts I tried to make a roadmap on how one can have a purpose.. feel inadequate, put sustained effort and commit... it will come.. it has been more to do away with inertia.. but currently I am stuck up with a tangential thought and that is  - is there a purpose? Is it not an illusion? Is it not just a defence mechanism to give yourself to hard work without thinking of what I will achieve? It is perhaps a way of coming to this answer through elimination.. so here I go

The thought rests in the fact that after all life ends in ashes, and none remembers. It ends and even if it may have been etched in some history books.. you are no longer living it.. someone is just reading it to get kicks for her life.. The first point is life ends so where will any purpose take you, anyway.. so why bother so much of accomplishing and trying to create a monument of your life which may some day be called the 9th wonder of world? Is it worth it? My point is that purpose is not leaving your name in history books for next generation.. It is not about creating any edifice, of becoming the richest, the smartest.. it ends all ends... If it is not about achievement then what can be purpose about.. all the purpose people talk and I have till now heard is about where do you want to be...

The new age psychologists who study fulfilment through work these days, say it is about aligning your life with your motivations and value system through a series of positive actions.. These are rooted in your personality which is stable over time, align it and you feel good.. for example you may value altruism so you find ways to align your actions around that.. or you may value money so you align yourself towards work which gives you the same.. Alas this also does not answer, as we a re so multidimensional and motivations are like a shifting goal post, you have money and you will need power, you have power and you may need fame, you have that and you may need something else.. It is a circle and desires in general don't fulfil anything..fulfilling desires is impossible and my point is it is also not a purpose.. so what is left to have a purpose?

If you are reading this at this point, you may want to raise your hand and say purpose is about helping others in need.. The question is  - Is it a purpose or a worthy action? Help people in need cannot be a purpose but a responsibility, a higher action in the hierarchy of actions categorized under humanity... A way to pay it back for all you have got from others, a way to acknowledge that all of us are social animals and need love, help, support and it does not come unless we extend it ourselves. A way to a peaceful life, a way to fulfil a deep desire which we all have of seeking love and companionship, and it is only possible if we also give.. it is not a one way traffic.. overall energy on the planet remains same, it can be rooted in goodness or evil.. the more goodness the more happiness.. These actions are not purpose but the right way to act, even in this there are so many variants, causes to work for - education, people with special needs, poverty, sick, environment, corruption, etc. These actions are important to do our bit to save humanity for a future generation, make future life better and not a purpose...

If purpose is not achievement, fulfilling needs, doing good - Can there be a purpose? is purpose a myth an intellectual debate of mind to keep us distracted from what we must do, a strategy of mind to make us lethargic, keep us away from hard work in the work we have taken, in fulfilling responsibility? a way of mind to procrastinate, not accept our imperfections by believing we are not being perfect as it is not what we really are meant to do.. I don't know 

By writing again and again on this, I am convinced, there is no higher purpose to be looked for. Purpose for me is to be honest with life, taking the daily life steps with all I have got, to handle the questions of life rooted in here and now. Future is unpredictable I just need to find a balance between my responsibility towards my self, others who are my responsibility - kids, partner, parents, friends and towards my desires which make me feel good.. All bounded within a value system which constitute good karma, which means I don't act in fear, greed, weakness, don't harm someone for my gain..... 

It is about a balance between responsibility, love n care and my desires. A balance much hard to achieve as life has much subjectivity, each moment testing us to take decision which can either bring this balance or disrupt it....Right effort for the same is the purpose, that's all ! Discovering yourself is the purpose, that's all! Trying to move ahead is the purpose, that's all......

I know what went wrong

You know what I have been wronged by my office,
Even I am wronged by the leadership team,
I was wronged by the salesman,
I was too wronged by this selfish friend,
What the hell, mine is bigger I was wronged by my sibling,
That's nothing I was wronged by my best friend,
Hah, I was wronged by my own family, all of them,
I was by - Selfish blood suckers, destiny, her, him.

Blame on everyone others is the story today, everywhere,
I am looking for souls, who say I was wronged by myself,
I know happiness is in me and I am being wronged by self.
If anyone is to be blamed it is me, and only me.

I believe my destiny is my creation and I believe I have control, I am not a puppet of others and circumstance.

Can life be easy?

I hope my role is perfect,
I hope my rating is good,
I hope my boyfriend is greatest,
I hope my car is swankiest,
I hope my path is correct,
I hope my work is appreciated.

I want to grow big soon,
I want to be known soon,
I want to be best soon.

Many desires and many fears,
This is story of each human day,

Can life not be made easy?
Simple needs with simple life,
Rooted in here and now.

http://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=2747

What if I screw up......

Remember I screwed up in the past and I may just do that again.. This is the ugly face of anxiety and stress. It is made up of two thoughts fear of what if I screw up and bolstered by some past screw ups. 

All is however not a reality but imagination. The event is yet to happen and is unpredictable. What it does however is makes you paralysed, you just start living in fear and let your life just pass by. It is a short life and it is a pity to be in such a state. 

Anxiety is not an inherent nature but an acquired one. A manifestation of mind and can be dealt with if one is willing to put an effort. Imagine if this was an inherent nature. A child when starts to learn to walk she falls, not once but several thousand times. If anxiety was an inherent nature the child would have thought  - God I fell again I am such a jerk! Next time if she wanted to try to walk again the memories of all the earlier falls would just stress her out and she will rise fearfully trying to do again and damn she falls again. If anxiety was an inherent nature all the kids would have been on a wheel chair.

How did we manage to acquire such an ugly trait?  And some of us has acquired to a degree that we need tranquillizers. I think it is perhaps the over-dependency on pleasure, anxiety and stress were not so common in the past...about 100 years ago. Life involved some hardship and hardship was considered to be a norm, failure meant hardship it was part of life. Also life meant relationships - it was about the family, not just the immediate family but an extended family, society, etc. You lived your life with them and they never bothered of the screw ups you made, they were always there for you. They did not let the screw up become a live ghost of your mind. Life was beyond it. Life was simple and was about daily living we did not depend on reaching a certain milestone. 

In contrast life today is full of pleasures, screw up means pain which we just have to avoid the pleasure is our drug. We have forgotten no pain no gain. Courage which is doing it right even when you feel the fear is a lost trait. To add to it we have moved away from the life around the family and have reduced the life to a series of transactions of success and failure. A lot depends on these transactions and if you screw up you are of course doomed. There is a lot is at stake. It is a situation like the person who has put all his savings on the gambling table, if he loses the hell will break loose. It will and no wise saying can save him. That's the dependency we have created around a few things and if we fail we are bound to feel the stress and anxiety. 

Is there a way to reverse it? There is, after all not all end up acquiring this trait so there are plenty of ways to keep away from this disease. To begin with don't put all your eggs in one basket there are plenty of activities which can give you the pleasure which are seeking through life. spread your wings and don't be dependent on only one item for your happiness. If you have been putting all your energy in your job, increase your life invest in friends, family, hobby, anything which challenges you; makes you feel good about yourself. You don't have to climb the Mount Everest begin doing activities which challenge your skill level this will reduce your dependency if one goes wrong you have others to depend on. 

All above is good to start but the best method will be to train your mind. After all this is acquired nature of mind, as a child you did not have this, you were full of energy, hope optimism and learning new things. You were enjoying the process and not worrying about the results. If you have to kill this ugly acquired trait you need to clean your mind. How? There are several ways  - writing a journal - Build positive stories, acknowledge the good so that the mind does not trick you into just the failures; Meditation - it helps bring a balance in your thoughts; Immerse in the process of life - Train your mind to concentrate on the task you are doing and not overly depend on  the result, enjoy the process. If you fail learn from it, don't let it go waste.. 

Rise and try to walk again. Don't get anxious and end up with a wheel chair...

Happiness

This has become a cliché now that happiness does not come through material or senses. They are pleasurable but happiness is something different, it is a state of mind.

Happiness comes when you are in control. In control of your surroundings and are able to manoeuvre your way as you desire.

• You become happy when you are in control of your work and you mesmerise your customers, peers, boss with the output. you are in control
• You become happy when your lover does as you would have wanted it, you are in control.
• You become happy when you are in control of your time. All done well as planned within time. You control your time
• You become happy when you are at your best in your social circle or with customers. You are appreciated for what you are. You are in control

Control gives happiness. Spirituality and Philosophy believe you cannot control the surroundings, you can never be that perfect and moreover the surroundings also want the same control. There will always be a conflict. As per them best is you control your mind and try to want as less external control as possible. Get it to a point of zero so that you are eternally happy. It definitely has a logic less you want from outside more you are in control of what you want as all lies within you and is independent of the surroundings. The more control you have on your mind the more happy you get. 

Keep Walking

Follow me I will take you to heaven,
Its a long way, will have to run,
Else the heaven moves further away,
We can't rest on this long journey
Think through, its a heavy burden to bear,
If you deviate you will waste your years.
_______

This is my dream and I will follow,
I know, my commitment is not shallow
I will follow it with unwavering grit,
Till I reach my dream, the heaven.

On the path for few years I have tread,
The journey has bestowed many rewards.
But often I have wavered and wasted,
Each time I  returned more determined.

Many times I fell, I learnt and rose back
How many mistakes will I commit?
How much will I learn from past?
Am I really learning? Am I in a vicious cycle?
I know not the answer, but this time I will not waver
With this determination I take the arduous path again.

Time to Change

The way we are living life today when compared to few years back, there is a drastic difference. If we go back further in time there will be no similarity perhaps. The life today is led through means which require considerable use of mind and much less use of the body. 

Let me illustrate going through a typical day - you get up and are greeted by the housemaids and cooks you instruct them what needs to be done or cooked. Then you get ready, are off to office, you need to drive which also requires some mental skill, driving can be stressful for the mind with the way traffic moves in my city and I am sure it can be similar for same or other reasons in other cities. In office with your laptops, blackberry or smartphones, technological aids the work gets done  - all done through the use of mind and least physical work.  You come home driving back. At home high chances that work may be at back of your mind. If you are a family person you end up managing the demands of wife, kids; again requiring mental strength. 

All the above is aided by technological aids which itself transform within a span of 2 years and that adds more pressure to the mind to learn how to handle these new aids. If you don't get it you will be left behind and in some time the earlier aids will not be available at all - so you have to learn.

In contrast if we go back in time the requirements of mind, body were very different. This is also the reason why kids today are more developed mentally and not physically. The stimulus to mind they get today is extremely higher. This brings me to the conclusion that we need to give up old ways of training ourselves, our kids. No longer the old system can ensure we keep healthy. A lot of people if are suffering from diseases of mind (it could be mild depression, stress or severe breakdown) is because they are not trained enough for the demands of life. Understanding of the mind and its training is where we must put considerable time. 

Move away the wisdom of the parents, life is changed it is time to create new wisdom. 

How to become Perfect

Every time I go attend trainings or read some self help articles on how to become better in life I feel miserable.  Miserable as I think they are a complete waste of time. 

The programs can only sell if they give a definite solution to the aspect they address. Therefore you will see in all such articles or programs there is always a few points solution  - Do these 5 things and master leadership. These are the secret of effective communication deciphered form the greatest, a sure shot way to negotiate your way through deals if you follow these steps, follow this and you shall manage the change effectively.

MASTER THESE !!!! there are enough examples they have changed people and their lives.. transformed is the word the best trainers use..

I wish it was this simple and all of us had become perfect by now !! .. It never works as real life scenarios has many shades and a simplistic linear solution never works, it is a medley of many such steps in varying proportions which works. It has to be decided basis the situation at hand and it is a subjective decision. This decision making unfortunately does not have any steps, it can never have. Let me illustrate this with a few wisdom quotes:

ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT

vs.

TIME AND TIDE WAIT FOR NONE

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE

vs.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH

Contradictory principles when what applies and to what degree is a subjective decision, similar is about these trainings and articles. They can be good guiding post but no elixir.

Our trainings to make people better at what they do needs to change. It cannot be point solution but all trainings must be directed at the individual. It should train individuals at first to give tools to do a careful and honest self assessment plan and then directed towards working on the emotional quotient which is keeping the person away from being effective.