Senses vs Buddha

I want to explore limits of sensual pleasures and this blog is dedicated to my thoughts, theories around it. Am I obsessed by it, yes in a certain way I am obsessed. I am obsessed as I want to control senses but god damn it is too powerful that I am obsessed.


My obsession is not like the obsession of reckless indulgent I have a good control but yet I am not where near in giving up. I am not ready.

I question and debate if this even is a desired state. One part of my mind says yes. That mind is traditional, religious, seeker. It thinks there is life beyond you and me, us and them there is life after death, there are miracles and there are ideals of human perfection which are to be attained. This is the only purpose of being human being. This part of me is amazed by the human being, the machine we are, the feelings, the cycle of birth death and in between the existence, it gets overwhelmed by the beautiful life created around us.

The other part of my mind says well just enjoy the pleasure, just dip in the ecstasy and forget the Buddha, it was good for him and maybe he did had too much guilt of what is right and wrong. After all one day we will die, even he did. As long as I am living just savor the sweet taste and those sensations which leave you feeling happy, serene and out of the world.

I don’t know which part of my mind is correct but I am in a state of limbo till I resolve it and I know I have no answer or even a hope that I will have one quickly. It is a simple battle of a beautiful pleasure versus being free from such attachment and moving ahead. In the race towards death it is a battle to decide what is better way to live.

I know I think too much I could just dip myself in the emotion and live what feels right then trying to figure out what is right. As truly speaking what is right or wrong is definitely questionable and who cares as you die at end of the day.

My obsession is a product of this debate, if I leave the debate and be as gay as the believers of “right and wrong as taught” life will be simple.

I just have to give up the debate and give in to what life has in store for me. The problem is my self-discipline and control does not allow me giving in, I have a high degree of righteousness and I want to do what I think is right, I just cannot pardon myself with giving in to something I am not ok with. I cannot just flow with my base desires as I consider them and correctly I firmly believe as very low in the order of merit, in fact so low that the order is not of merit but of demerit.

Maybe it troubles me as I am more demanding of life and I want a synthesis of the right and wrong of senses and of Buddha. I want to have my cake and eat it too! Do I have any doubt that Buddha exists and there is more meaning to life? No, my reply is an emphatic “no”. I want to aspire this but I don’t want to give my sensual pleasures. It is similar to the lazy fat bum who wishes to lose weight but does not want to exercise, or give up his sweet tooth. I need to come to a state that I need one of more and I need to be out of the debate of “to be or not to be”, I need to desire one of the states more, I need passion and only then can I give up this duality. More than passion I also need a strong belief and a state of piety to one state so that I don’t waiver when the opposite side attracts me with its offer.

My self-discipline has got me this far to a fair degree of control, balance and effort but to take it forward I need the passion and a strong pious belief. There is no perfection but I have slid into a comfort zone of the status quo, now is the time to take the risk and give up something to take myself forward. The passion, belief is missing and intellect is failed big time in guiding me. Intellect has its limitations and objective logic of both sides is equally attractive, both have its pros, cons, unanswered questions, promises of a good life at end of destination. I need a bias towards one. Bias created of anything passion, belief, piety, righteousness, god, anything. God is also created for mankind to have a bias towards control and not let your mind, emotions, senses run amok. Alas! I am an atheist and no god has been created for the 21st century life. All are outdated.

The passion and belief can only help me take it to next level, allow me to risk one life for another and fear of failure or disappointment at the end of road will disappear. I have to now move to a state of passionate believer. The doubts and debate will die in the fire of such passion. The duality will end in bias.