Unspoken Thoughts

Writing after a hiatus... I was caught up with the illusions of life... I am happy to be back today in acknowledging the unspoken thoughts.. Away from the so seeming illusions of life... however tomorrow is yet another day...

In Defense of my Stubbornness

My friends, family, my bosses all call me stubborn.. The say it in different ways but it means the same - Stubborn! Sensitive as I am to criticism it does feel a little bad, and I wonder am I, is it bad? Can I do better... The cycle of questions to figure out if I am on the right track or not begins.. 

Sensitive I am but I am also a Narcissist :) This come to my rescue and I am here to defend my stubbornness, I now know that it is the best quality to have :)

In general I am stubborn to my viewpoint, this is the context I am called stubborn. In the context, the opposite of stubborn will be capricious, fickle minded and I am glad I am not the one. I do have views on topics and my views I form after some thought so I like to stick to my own comprehension and worldview. 

This stickiness I consider a strength which helps me stick to my decisions and own up, this helps me to put effort to execute to what I have decided, I stick my neck out to what I believe in, that's the stubbornness I have. What's the fun in living life and decisions of others, I like to learn on my own terms. Will I change my views, yes but with a lot of difficulty I need to have my worldview changed, I am trying to listen and observe better but change is albeit slow. I am at a position where I can decide so I like stubborn as I have accountability of my decisions, so unless convinced otherwise I like to stick to my views. I don't mind others to live as per their own conviction, I will not force my views on their life. 

To all those who are not stubborn I will say when it comes to your decisions be stubborn, don't let others rule you. You will feel in control and own up your destiny. If Gandhi was not stubborn to Britishers we would have not got Independence, if Mandela was not stubborn apartheid would have remained in Africa, if Mother Teresa was not stubborn she would have never stayed in India reducing the suffering. Stubbornness in some sense is also linked to perseverance and all leaders are stubborn... don't call me a Narcissist now please, I will defend that even better :). Be stubborn........

P.S. - Just wondering how these labels affect us, most do not appreciate the context and can out you down.. Stubbornness and Narcissism can be our shield with doses of self awareness and introspection.

10 Steps to Greatness ..Forever.. Guaranteed..

I read an article in the Harvard Business Review on how I can become more effective at work.. then I read another article in Psychology today as how I can become smarter with life and be more happy. Then Stanford leadership had an article on becoming an effective leader, oh then how can I forget there were some beautiful quotes on Pinterest I cant take my mind off those, such wonderful wisdom to live life.. and well wonderful TED talks by Boyd Varty on Ubuntu and Stephen Cave on Death... and there are so many pending wisdom on my Gmail Account, Twitter, etc

Am I not really smart and great! The truth is all is bullshit as I have stuffed myself with a lot of thoughts of right philosophies to get everything in life yet everything is elusive.. This is just information and noble thoughts and more noble thoughts but the issue is of practicing the nobility.. 

All this has done till now is made me feel small.. showed me a big vacuum.. there is so much to do.... unfortunately I enjoy the theories and I keep reading... I enjoy because I can show off these theories on my Tweets and with others by talking about it with everyone I meet.. wonderful jargons.. It does feel great!

Enough of theories of greatness... This is the circle which now I wish to break and my resolution to self is to live a few top ones, challenge to experience it.. Ubuntu as taught by Boyd Varty, Focus as taught by Daniel Goleman... Fearlessness as taught by Vipassana will be the guiding factor.. That's my resolution.. It is formidable but life cannot be lived in the theories stored and catalouged in the mind... Life has to be lived.....

The Standards of Self and Disappointments

Story #1 - I had to make a presentation to a group on a subject which is close to my heart. I have done it many times earlier and have done well. I did not therefore needed to prepare. On the fateful day we started on time I made the right starts with the practiced opening but in between I faltered, it did not go well. I was disappointed. The self was questioning self, labeling self - Was I arrogant? Should I have not prepared? How could I?

Story #2 - I value giving, fearlessness and pushing myself to do better. I have been practicing Buddhist meditation technique Vipassana for last several years. There came an opportunity to volunteer for Vipassana. With my values it was a no brainer that I need to jump in and do my bit, but in between came my own pleasurable and comforting weekend plan which I had been waiting for. There began a conflict of what i must do, till the time of deadline of volunteering I was in pain, after that disappointed by self. A feeling of letting down self, How could I?  I do think I do my bit on the values, but still the self was questioning self...

Failing to meet own standards of self happens often, there are many moments you live up to it, there are few you fail as well. But the failure sometimes grips the mind so much that it can go on beating you, making you feel sad. The emotion unfortunately has no reason and does not look at win ratios but goes on like a broken record on that one failure and the mind automatically accumulates all such transgressions, adds negative adjectives. Result - restlessness or anxiety or sadness. 

These are the times to take solace in self forgiveness, self compassion - get silent and tell yourself "I forgive myself for being unable to live upto my expectations. It is a journey and next time I will try to do better". This does not stop here it may be worthwhile also to examine the values if they are in conflict with what you really are and believe in and have the next step planned.