I have been debating the purpose and need for marriage for some time. I had this question only as a defense to delay the pressure of marriage before I got married, though I had good arguments then. But now having been divorced and having had a bad experience I am kind of debating it seriously. It will help me only to take right decision right time. The right decision first to marry or not to marry (this one seems difficult) and if it is to marry what kind of person to marry.
I was looking up for history of marriage and interesting to know that every country has laws around marriage. It has always been there. What it means essentially is that marriage is looked as a contract between 2 individual and if violated the law takes it course. The law is supposed to be protecting the institution of marriage or any abuse of the contract. The only difference in this contract is that the terms and conditions on this one are not objective as it will be in any other business contract. A lot of ethical and socially acceptable norms come into play. It is essentially a contract.
A contract by nature means that both parties will agree to do for each other and failing of ones duties mean breach of contract. Some of the duties are what are clear ones and on which the laws are based. But all of these duties are governed by the social norms prevalent. In most cultures and religion (in fact it is interesting each religion has rules around marriage) one of the duties of marriage is procreation, having children. If partner disagrees a marriage can be annulled. The other especially in India is that the if role of woman is to breed children man is supposed to be taking care of the financial needs. These are broadly and traditionally the rules. So essentially 2 purposes which are there for marriage is:
- Procreation
- Jointly sharing household responsibility out of which woman traditionally is responsible for taking care of the family and men of running the household
Looking at the contract, both parties in the marriage are looking for some benefit and that is the purpose of one’s marriage. If a person is completely sufficient in all ways he/ she may not marry. What are the other benefits (other than procreation) one looks for?
One of the needs is physical; sex is a powerful sense which none can let go of. Here you have a partner always yours who is not to be won over each time and you have the sexual rights over him. You don’t have to worry that she will run away with someone else who is more handsome, intelligent, etc. It gives you legally, socially acceptable sexual partner and brings in a lot of security with the tag of marriage.
A similar need is emotional; again a powerful one perhaps more important as sex is very physical and still easier to crack. This one has varied dimensions and if you fail here it is far more difficult to be happy in your marriage. Human beings are constantly comparing themselves with the larger world and trying to be loved by others, marriage gives you that succor a partner who has to be loving you supporting you come what may, she is an emotional support to you in all times. He is supposed to be giving you strength emotionally, cheering you when you are down and sharing your joys. This cannot be faked that is why we try to choose partners who we can appreciate, respect. It has to be mutual. This is a big need as we humans are always dependent and looking to others for acceptance, others make us feel if we have won/ lost. The degrees may be different but we are dependent on someone to love us for what we are doing, inspite of our failures and success. The biggest factor is in a marriage you need not prove yourself every time the partner will be at your side come what may. That is the extreme power of this contract.
The other need though is a subset of the above is interdependency. In times of difficulty we need people to help us out. You cannot fight a battle alone, you depend on the family. That’s your back up. For e.g. you are unwell and cannot earn for some time, you have a family to back you up. You need to be taken care of there is a family to back you up. It’s the time when you hit low you as a human need aid and that’s where family come in place.
That’s is all I can think of on a macro plane if you can independently have the above 4 of procreation, physical, emotional and interdependency needs you will be happy single. But given the nature that one is running the rat race every time and the fact that the mind gets tempted with the illusionary (maya) world even if you do get all without a partner it will not be stable and you will always be insecure and running around. You need to commit through this contract and train the mind. Marriage is also in a way an exercise to discipline the unruly mind. If it was not for marriage one will be running around infinite prospective partners, each time after finding something attractive. It is never ending and you will end up tiring yourself. You may feel insecure and will not be able to grow as a person as for your basic needs you will always be running.
The reason hippie culture did not survive was for the above only. They tried to break the institution of marriage between 2 and said let there be peace amongst all in the society. One can get into contract with anyone and everyone at any time. It breeds insecurity each time you are dumped for someone else or even if you are not you may worry that you may be dumped. You will never be yourself and always trying to win over your partner. In the race your needs will be get sidelined.
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