Defense Mechanism

Sometime back I was out of a relationship and well a difficult one. It was an extreme an abusive relationship. The bad part was my partner who was the perpetrator was blissfully unaware of all the actions.

That’s the sad part of being a human being. We have a mind which as per its own convenience makes a defense mechanism, our twisted reality. By defense mechanism I mean the reasoning which we develop and shield ourselves from looking into our own weaknesses. For e.g. as a child never wanted to accept that I got defeated to a better player my mind will have a reasoning why I failed – I could not give my 100%, I did not sleep well and well I was therefore not fully fit, there were too many distractions on the court, I was just unlucky had just some of my shots had gone well I could have won.

There is a thin line between correct reasoning and false defense mechanism. Infact our instant instinctive reaction to shield us from a defeat, failure, negative consequence is some kind of defense mechanism. Some of us when we get over with the emotional setback due to the negative consequence reflect back and see through our defense mechanism or when we go through the experience again and the consequence is similar reality strikes us. That’s an awakening moment in our life and we break through the defenses to just open to another reality. It’s a moment through which we learn and we grow.

People with less faith in one own self or too much dependent on a false façade, dependent on what the external world perceives get caught in the false defense mechanism. To sustain such a false defense mechanism in wake of experiences which negate it one gets caught in the maze of false reality. For all your shortcoming there will be one genuine reason why it is so. You just grow physically all other growth - emotional, mental, spiritual stops.

My partner if I reflect back had this issue. This defense mechanism with time only grows and as I mentioned earlier to sustain it when life experiences go in another way you are caught in a maze. You will have further complex false reasoning, you will start blaming all others and become a cynical, will have a negative view of life. This if prolonged will only come with more serious mind games. If prolonged it also gets extremely difficult to break this defense mechanism as one has been hiding a deluge of low feeling with all the moments of weakness/ failure all his/her life.

I wonder how it would start in childhood. May be it is a consequence of parents who just get extra protective of their children. Just keep building false pictures to their kids of the greatness they possess it could be either out of love or because they are themselves caught in a false reality and think their children are the geniuses which they could not be, they think they are the stars which they could not be. They themselves would have this issue of a false reality, an impregnable defense mechanism passed on from parents to children.

The other strong reason it may develop when love is conditional when a child is loved only if he wins. The child then feels a lot of pain if she fails and cannot deal with it. In that case he will only build a strong defense mechanism to keep himself away from all the hurt associated with failure. Defense mechanism is then like a pain killer fatal to the life ahead he/ she has to live.
It may hurt a child to know that he is not the best and may never become but this reality needs to be taught to him/ her at a certain age when he can understand. The time should be when he is able to develop some reasoning of his own. At the time when he/she starts developing a mind of his own.

The foundation though still will be love that child you may be weak in certain areas but we still love you and are still with you. You may lose but you are still the best for us that’s the confidence be given to him/ her instead of blurring his vision with false reasoning.